The Air I Breathe

 I remember going to NA meetings, and in awe on those people that could actually make 6 months or longer clean time.  I could not understand how they did it, how did they manage to get to that milestone and beyond?  I tried.  I battled.  I fought.  When I was using I wanted to be clean, when I was clean, all I wanted to do was use…  And now that I am here, and have reached that milestone, and so much more, I search for answers to try and help others that are where I have been.  I search for truths and common denominators.  I know that there is no fixed theory.  I know that every single person is different in so many ways.  But what made me get to the point that I got to, to make that decision, to want to change? 

I heard this story once… And if I could offer any advice at all, it would be based on this:

The Zen teacher tells this story:  There once was a great master who was continually bothered by a rich man wanting enlightenment.  Every few weeks the man would come to the monastery and beg the master to teach him.  Each time the monk would put him off, explaining that he was simply not ready for enlightenment.  The rich man persisted because he felt that his persistence would prove his readiness.  One day he came upon the master standing in a pool up to his waist.  In a great show of disregard for his fine clothes, he waded into the pool, where he began his whining.  Suddenly, the monk grabbed the man’s hair and shoved his head under the water and held it there.  At first the man acquiesced to this treatment but soon began thrashing wildly.  But the monk continued to force his head under the water.  The man became truly frantic, and the water boiled with his attempts to escape.  Finally the monk released him, and he came to the surface gasping for air.  When he had caught his breath, he struggled out of the water and asked his tormentor, “Why did you try to drown me?”  To which the master replied, “When you want enlightenment as badly as you wanted that next breath, I will teach you.” 

When I was on the street, with nothing but a small bag full of necessities, I realised that I could not live that life any more.  I could not be that person any more.  I desperately wanted change.  I committed to do whatever it took to change my life.  To do things differently. 

How desperately do you want change?  I needed change like I needed that oxygen in my lungs!  Like I needed life!  You have to WANT it… desperately WANT it!

If you want something you’ve never had before, you have to do something you’ve never done before.