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Monday, 25 April 2011
Yesterday evening we had a church service – for Easter. One thing stuck in my mind:
Because of my past, I know what it means to find temporary happiness. Temporary contentment. Temporary peace. I’ve said before that people search for this feeling for most of their lives. And I agree that, in the beginning, heroin does give you that sense of freedom – for a short while. And so you chase it. Non stop. It’s all you want. That numbness – that peace… But it’s always short lived. And it always leads to consequences, or emptiness, or death.
When, at last, you reach the end of that road, and you let go, and give it all up to Him, you experience freedom to a new extreme. True, lasting contentment, happiness and peace. Nothing compares to that first encounter with something so real, so perfect.
But then life takes a hold of you again. And somehow, you lose touch of that immense joy that holds your very fibre together. Why would you want to let go of something so special? Something so fulfilling? Something so perfect? You wouldn’t! And you shouldn’t! You should hold onto that with everything that you have! Because, without it, you are lost. Without it, everything is temporary. Without it, you are always chasing something. You’re never complete. You’re never satisfied. You always want more.
It’s easy to let life’s complications grab hold of your freedom, and it’s easy to forget the small things that we should be grateful for. Once you forget about those small, but very important things – like health, food, a roof over your head, friends and family – you almost seem to take all of them for granted… and soon enough you lose sight of what you have, and all you focus on is what you don’t have.
Once again, I take a step back, and look at how blessed I am – from waking up in the morning and being able to breath, to having a full tummy after dinner, to my family who have been to hell and back with me, and are still supporting me. I see that I was lost, and that now I am not only found, but chosen! I am loved unconditionally no matter what mistakes I’ve made. How can I not hold onto the freedom that I have been given through the cross, with everything that I have? I have been given a second chance – we have all been given a second chance – at TRUE life! A life that lasts an eternity. That provides peace, love, happiness and all thing good. Permanently. Hold onto that! With everything that you have!
Monday, 11 April 2011
When I was in High School, and going through a tough time, one of my friends told me: “In the end it’s all ok, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end”. I’ve used this saying many times since then. It’s always rung true. In the end it’s all ok. If it’s not ok, then there’s still some things that you need to go through, some lessons that you need to learn, something that will probably help you to grow, to be stronger… but once you’re through this, it will be ok. It was always a positive thing for me – always something to hold on to… Yes, I might not be ok right now, but if I just get through this, I will be ok…
But then, the other day, someone said: “Can you say this to a mother who has just lost her son to an overdose from heroin?”. Well, I think that you can. Even though this mother never wanted this to happen, it’s something that she has to go through. It’s done. No one has the answers for these mothers, no one can say why these things happen to certain people…. In the same way a mother loses a son in a car or motorbike accident… it’s not ok right now, in fact, it’s everything BUT ok, but in the end, once time has healed, once you’re ready, it will be. This is faith. This is connection with your Source – that no matter what happens here on this earth, in the end it will all be ok. It will probably be better than just ok.
I suppose it’s all relative. I choose to see the positive in things. I choose to learn lessons, and to grow, no matter what I’m put through here on earth. Because, in the end, it’s moulding me, and shaping me, and teaching me about what’s really important.
You are in control of your life. You are responsible for your future. You choose your own consequences. But sometimes things happen – life happens – and unexpected tragedies are a part of life. For the son who died of an overdose, that was a consequence, but for the mother who had to endure losing a son to addiction, that was a tragedy. Are there answers for life’s tragedies? Can you blame them on things or people? The answer is certainly “no”. But they are a part of life. And for me, if there’s anything that might help console someone that has had a tragedy in their life, it will be that “this too shall pass”, or, in my case, “in the end it’s all ok – if it’s not ok, it’s not the end”.
Friday, 8 April 2011
So I see the world from another point of view. When I left the city to come to the desert I was not living. I was alive, but not living… And now that I’ve gone back to the city, now that I have life and purpose, the entire place looks different. Feels different. The buzz of people all around me. It seems as though it’s alive too, as though it has a heartbeat of its own. The world is a different place. People mean so much more. So many people, so many lives, so many souls….
Compassion has reached a new height. A new level. Every single person in that huge city, and every other city, is walking their own journey. They’re all on their own paths, learning new lessons every single second… Maybe their addictions are different to mine, maybe their issues aren’t as complicated as I have made mine, but they too have difficulties, and they too have made mistakes. We’re all on a journey. A personal, unique journey to discover who we really are, and what we’re really here for.
Personally, I have discovered that I have a lot to learn about who I am. I thought that I had figured out, basically, what I need, or what’s important to me. But, going to the big city and seeing things from the other side of the fence has opened my eyes to the fact that I still have so much to learn. I don’t like to make things complicated, but to keep things simple, in a complicated world, takes hard work, focus and commitment. My priorities remain the same, but with added complexities of having to cope with normal everyday facts of life. Rent. Food. Cooking. Alarms. Get to work on time. Fight the traffic. Work work work. Fight the traffic again. Cook. Clean. Rest. Recreation. All the things that should be normal. All the things you tend to avoid while you’re using. All the things that are basic. And necessary.
While watching all of this, and rearranging it all in my mind, I come to the conclusion, that no matter what life throws at you, that no matter how complicated the world seems, the basic focal point of my life is to remain grateful. Just grateful. For life, for every single thing I have in my life. For every single person I have in my life. For every relationship. For love. For grace. For second chances, and lessons. For all the little things that I thought meant nothing, but actually mean everything. Just remain grateful.
I know where I’ve been and what I’ve come from. I saw those very streets that I walked over and over again. I know what I’ve lost. I know what I have gained. Many mistakes have been made. And still many more are to come. But I know that I am loved unconditionally, no matter what, and for this, I am most grateful!!
My journey remains an adventure! Everyday a new lesson. A clearer understanding. Closer and closer to understanding me, and what I was created for….
Sunday, 20 March 2011
I’ve climbed the steep mountain… I’ve made it to the top… I’m standing on the summit looking down… Let’s hope it’s mostly downhill from here!!
I’m about to tackle something huge. Something that I came here to learn how to tackle. Something that is so important to me that I would give everything up just to make sure that I have done my best to make sure that it’s done properly. It’s important to me. It’s important to those that I love. It’s one of those life changing things that could make or break a person. I know that I have done my best to prepare for it. And after all is said and done, that’s all that I really can do: My best. After that, it’s really up to God – He is in control now. I have faith in that.
I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now because I have seen how faith does not necessarily make it so. Friends of mine have been trying to fall pregnant. They did everything they possibly could to get it right. They’ve been to specialists and they obeyed all the rules and followed all the advice. They had done their best. And they had an enormous amount of faith. But each and every time, the pregnancy test comes out negative. No matter how right they are, or how much faith they have, at the end of the day, it’s all in God’s time.
That makes me a little nervous, and almost leads me to doubt some things… But how can I? One thing I know for certain: He only wants what’s best for me. He only wants what’s best for us all… So we all have to stand firm in the fact that no matter what we think we need, or what we think is best for us, He knows better. He has a plan. A tailor-made plan. The only thing you need to have faith in, is that He is in control. The only thing that you can do from your side, is the right thing.
I believe that I am ready. I believe that I can tackle this! I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. This huge thing that I am about to do probably means nothing to a lot of people, but to me, it’s what I’m here for. It’s the reason I came clean. It’s what life on earth is all about. So I hand it over to Him. And hope for the best. A good expectation of things to come…. Hope….
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Un-answered questions. Lots and lots of them. I see people around me all day long with questions in their eyes, and fake smiles on their faces. I realise all of a sudden that life is so much simpler than we make it out to be. We complicate things. We’ve added our own recipes for “success” to life… But most of us don’t have a clue what true success really is… I’ve said before that we’re all searching for peace. And I heard it again from someone else this morning. It’s so true. We’re searching for comfort – not external, but INTERNAL comfort… Some of us find it temporarily in things like heroin, but it’s never lasting, it’s never eternal. So society throws things in our faces, TV adverts make it impossible for us not to search for comfort in external ways… Making us all think that we can find it externally, and that this will quench our thirst for it… this will make everything ok… but it doesn’t, not for long anyway!
Are “comfort” and “freedom” the same thing? I think being free is probably the most comforting thing in this lifetime. Strip away all the complications that we cover our daily routines in, and what are we left with? Just me. Myself. Am I comfortable with who I am? Is my freedom comforting? Am I free to feel comfortable?
I think that when I know that I am doing the right thing, and making the right choices, I become free of consequences… And only once I know that I have no reason to do anything else, but to love who I have become, who I was created to be, only then will I feel comfortable. And free.
Maybe these things are all easier said than done. But, like anything that’s worth it in the end, it will take some dedication and commitment. And once you’re used to making the right choices, and to do the right thing, it becomes like habit – it’s second nature. At first it might seem difficult, but in the end it’s so worth the effort – what could be worth more than freedom? More than always being comfortable?
Maybe this doesn’t answer all the questions that are in the minds of all those that are around me, but I believe that it makes finding the answers a whole lot easier. Once you find peace on the inside, it’s reflected on the outside… And slowly things start making sense again….
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Some things in life are difficult. There are choices that need to be made – every single day. How do you know that what you’re doing is the right thing? How do you know which choice is the right one? If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to test the waters as much as possible before you make a decision. And sometimes the choices you make are going to hurt another person. Even though your intentions are not bad, and you only want what’s best for both parties, in the end, there needs to be a point where you say to yourself “this is my life, and I need to do what’s best for my journey”. And even if that means that the other person has to go through some hurt, you still make that decision. Maybe that lesson was meant for you – maybe it was meant for them. But, if you always act out of love, you just have to believe that you’ve done the right thing… And hope that the other person understands your decision. I guess there’s no way of telling how things will turn out. That’s half the mystery of life… No matter how prepared you are for anything, time and chance happen to us all. If things always happened the way we expect them to, then how much would we grow? How would we learn anything? We have to go through things to experience life. We have to make wrong decisions to learn lessons. We have to hurt, we have to heal. If we don’t experience the bad, how will we appreciate the good?
I am truly grateful for all the people that have crossed my path. I know that I have definitely hurt a lot of my closest loved ones, and I pray that they understand and forgive. I have no doubt that every single person was placed on my path for a reason. I will never forget all those that stood by my side through thick and thin, and I will always look up to the people that showed me kindness and mercy when I did not deserve it. I know that some decisions that I made were incorrect and that they hurt a lot of people, but I learnt a lot from them, and I have grown to the person that I am today because of them.